Breaking the Cycle: Why I No Longer Attend Family Gatherings
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Breaking the Cycle: Why I No Longer Attend Family Gatherings
By Empress Ayana
Last year, after my grandfather passed away, I made a deeply personal and permanent decision:
I stopped attending family gatherings.
For some, that may sound extreme. But for me, it was necessary. It was sacred. It was survival.
From the ages of 7 to 15, I was a child experiencing sexual trauma — not at the hands of strangers, but by family members. And yet, for years afterward, I found myself sitting at the same tables, laughing in the same rooms, hugging the same people who either harmed me or protected those who did.
Why? Because it was normalized.
Because no one talked about it.
Because families like mine — like many Black families — have learned to sweep trauma under the rug in the name of unity or tradition.
But silence is not protection. And tradition is not healing.
So I had to break the cycle.
When Family Protects Predators, They Abandon the Survivors
They create safe spaces for incestuous pedophiles and harmful men.
What I’ve experienced — and what I know many other Black women have, too — is that some families don’t just ignore abuse, they enable it.
They brush it under the rug.
They pretend not to know or that it didn’t happen.
They protect the abuser and shame the truth-teller.
They called me fast.
They called me grown.
But they never asked if I was okay.
I’ve come to believe many of them have been desensitized — not just to my pain, but to their own. And I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my peace to maintain their comfort.
Being Called “Grown” Instead of Being Protected
As a child, I was often called “grown.”
No one stopped to ask why I was acting the way I did.
No one asked if I was safe.
No one asked how I was doing emotionally.
The Decision to Separate Was Painful — But Sacred
Walking away from family traditions felt like betrayal at first.
But eventually, I realized that peace cannot exist where harm is tolerated — and I could no longer sacrifice my well-being.
Choosing myself was the most radical act of love I’ve ever done.
I feel spiritually obligated to stop the cycle of degeneracy — for myself, for my children, and for the generations coming after me. Because pretending didn’t protect me as a child, and it won’t protect them now.
To the Black Woman Who’s Reading This:
If you’ve felt this too — the weight of the silence, the confusion of being around people who hurt you, the shame for even thinking about distancing yourself — you are not alone.
You’re not wrong.
You’re not cold and heartless.
You’re not disloyal or being dramatic.
You’re choosing yourself.
And choosing yourself requires separation sometimes.
Especially from spaces that normalized your harm.
You Have the Right to Break the Cycle
You don’t owe anyone access to you.
You don’t owe your abuser (or their enablers) your presence.
You don’t have to sit at tables where your pain was ignored.
You can walk away — and still be whole, still be loved, still be powerful.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to create new definitions of family.
You are allowed to set new standards for safety.
Creating Family on Your Terms
Blood isn't the only bond that matters. You can create your own sacred family and build sacred relationships rooted in love, safety, and truth.
You are not alone in this journey. Consider forming or nurturing:
Friends and/or friendship circles that honor your boundaries.
Establish new gathering practices and spaces with your children or chosen kin.
Healing circles, wellness groups, and spiritual communities that hold you with care.
Yourself — the most important relationship of all!
Questions to Help Recognize Unhealthy Family Patterns
If you’re unsure whether a relationship is rooted in dysfunction, reflect on these:
Do I feel emotionally safe around this person and/or in family spaces?
Do they make space for my truth, or silence it?
Am I constantly guilted or shamed into staying connected?
Have I been asked to ignore abuse or disrespect in the name of “family”?
Do I leave their presence and/or family gatherings feeling small, anxious, or unseen?
💜You deserve a life where you feel seen, protected, and free.
💜You deserve safety. You deserve joy. You deserve peace.
💜You deserve to define family on your own terms.
💜You don’t have to carry the weight of broken family systems just to prove you’re loyal.
Let this be your reminder that you are allowed to choose yourself!
ORJ Breaking the Cycle: A Self-Reflection Worksheet
Thank you for choosing ONYX Restorative Justice LLC(ORJ)!
Schedule Your ORJ Lifestyle Elevation Chat
w/ Empress Ayana, Today:
https://onyxrestorativejustice.hbportal.co/public/LifestyleElevationScheduler
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